MELBOURNE, February 21, 2006 – The Drowsy Drivers today announced their
intention to “eliminate the competition” from this year’s Green Room
Awards.
“Last time we were too soft-core,” said drummer Kevin McFerran, referring to the band’s 2002 nominations for Northcote Country Soul.
“We blinked, and we lost out. We’re not going to make the same mistake
this time around – we want all the gongs. And if we have to kill all
the other nominees to do it, then I guess that’s what we do.”
“Look
at Best Original Songs,” director Casey Bennetto elaborated, referring
to one of the categories in the Cabaret section. “Snelling should watch
his step – you walk into a strange dressing room and, the next thing
you know, you’re trussed to the clothesrack with your own feather boa.
We have ways and means. He’ll lead us to Megan, Naomi and Ben… oh,
he’ll talk, he’ll talk, and then… into the trash.
“And
Martini? I mean, for God’s sake, people’ll believe almost anything of
Martini. The challenge is going to be making it weird enough. We’ll
need dwarves and circus performers, rusted bicycles, antique
flugelhorns, a small stash of drugs and a meerkat. After that, it’s
just a matter of connecting the dots. Everyone’ll buy it.
“Eddie?
Well, several major multinational corporations are pissed off at him
already. I’ll be surprised if we get the chance to dispatch him before
somebody else does. I mean, all those companies have ‘people’, and I
hear they’re pretty good – we might have to take a number. But if we do
get a shot, it’s a toss up between airplanes and Adelaide. They’re both
seemingly placid, unexpectedly dangerous underneath. Yes, if I were
Mister Perfect I’d be very, very careful this month.
“As
for Minchin, well, we anticipated that Mister ‘Oh Look At My Edinburgh
Award Hey Have You Ever Played The Royal Albert Hall’ might be in the
mix somewhere, so we’ve already taken precautions. He thinks he’s safe
in London, but we’ve commissioned someone – someone very close to him –
and she’s got the medical know-how to make it look like terminal
illness or sudden accidental death. By the way, Agent S, this is
official alpha level approval. Activate. Activate.
“We’ll be the only ones left standing by March.”
When
reporters pointed out that the Drowsy Drivers had little chance of
winning against a four-way sympathy vote for deceased nominees, singer
Mike McLeish was momentarily downcast. “Hadn’t thought of that. Still,
are we doing this to win awards, to rid the world of scum, or for the
sheer unbridled pleasure of the kill?”
He paused. “I don’t know about the others, but it’s all three for me. Yeah, Capsis! That’s right! You BETTER run!”
The Green Room awards will be announced at the Arts Centre in early April. – []