That’s News To Me

Written for the 2007 Walkley Awards on SBS. Follow the links for the references if you like, though in the end a song with footnotes is probably not the ideal form…

That's News To Me

It’s finally over – that noxious election
That big referendum of little effection
On which man could switch on a richer inflection
In pitching his alms at the poor
I’ve gone the full term watching Johnny and Kevin
From the wicked Nine worm to the clown tricks on Seven
And now I know that nobody is blind up in heaven
I just can’t bear to see any more

So I need to discern the demeanour
Of Brad vis-a-vis Angelina
Won’t you cover their marital blues for me?
That’s news to me
That’s news to me
Let photographers flock in their dozens
To the neighbourhood watch on Ben Cousins
And perhaps he might snap from the scrutiny
And that’s news to me
That’s news to me

Reporting’s a craft full of graft and refining
Where every new draft is a shaft for the mining
It’s fine to opine on Miranda’s divining
The gig is in digging for proof
Now methods and standards and practices vary
So as you dig deeper, consult the canary
It might be that Mary is very contrary
It’s the Kosta pursuing the truth

Even so, I don’t know where her show went
But we’ll be right back in a moment
We’re just taking a break from integrity
And that’s news to me
That’s news to me

So I’ll file you a story of sweet affirmation
A tale to confirm the beliefs of the nation
It’s always more likely to boost circulation
Than squealing and dealing in doubt
Now my headlines get thicker as my stories get thinner
And you’ll embed me much quicker if you spring for my dinner
And I keep my mouth shut when I’m onto a winner
You don’t want the word to get out

Let our leaders decree the agenda
Let each phrase be in praise of their splendour
And excuse their unusual usury
‘Cos that’s news to me
That’s news to me
And if you hear that this clear approbation
And our fine FOI legislation
Leave us better-informed than we used to be
that’s news to me

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